Angry Rodent

When four of Santa's elves got sick, the trainee elves did not produce toys as fast as the regular ones, and Santa began to feel the Pre-Christmas pressure. Then Mrs. Claus told Santa her Mother was coming to visit, which stressed Santa even more. When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two others had jumped the fence and were out, Heaven knows where. Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the floorboards cracked, the toy bag fell to the ground and all the toys were scattered. Frustrated, Santa went in the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered the elves had drunk all the cider and hidden the liquor.. In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider jug, and it broke into hundreds of little glass pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found the mice had eaten all the straw off the end of the broom. Just then the doorbell ...

A farmhand is driving around the farm, checking the fences. After a few minutes he radios his boss and says, "Boss, I've got a problem. I hit a pig on the road and he's stuck in the bull-bars of my truck. He's still wriggling. What should I do?" "In the back of your truck there's a shotgun. Shoot the pig in the head and when it stops wriggling you can pull it out and throw it in a bush." The farm worker says okay and signs off. About 10 minutes later he radios back. "Boss I did what you said, I shot the pig and dragged it out and threw it in a bush." "So what's the problem now?" his Boss snapped. "The blue light on his motorcycle is still flashing!"

GENTLEMEN, IT'S TIME FOR YOUR ANNUAL "AM I GAY?" SELF-EXAMINATION... 1. If you are over thirty and you have a washboard stomach, you are gay. It means you haven't sucked back enough beer with the boys and have spent the rest of your free time doing sit-ups, aerobics, and doing the Oprah diet. 2. If you have a cat, you are a Flaaaaming homo. A cat is like a dog, but gay - it grooms itself constantly but never scratches itself, has a delicate touch except when it uses its nails, and whines to be fed. And just think about how you call a dog... "Killer, come here! I said get your ass over here, Killer!" Now think about how you call a cat..."Bun-bun, come to daddy, snookums!" Jeeezus, you're fit to be framed, you're so gay. 3. If you suck on lollipops, Ring-Pops, baby pacifiers, or any such nonsense, rest assured, you are a Gaylord. A straight man only suks on bar-b-que ribs, crab claws, raw oysters, crawfish guts, pickled pigs feet, or tits. An...

An award should go to the Virgin Airlines gate attendant in Sydney some weeks ago for being smart and funny, while making her point, when confronted with a passenger who probably deserved to fly as cargo. A crowded Virgin flight was cancelled after Virgin's 767s had been withdrawn  from service. A single attendant was re-booking a long line of inconvenienced travellers. Suddenly an angry passenger pushed his way to  the desk. He slapped his ticket down on the counter and said, "I HAVE to  be on this flight and it HAS to be FIRST CLASS". The attendant replied, "I'm sorry, sir. I'll be happy to try to help you,  but I've got to help these people first, and I'm sure we'll be able to  work something out." The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so  that the passengers behind him could hear,   "DO YOU HAVE ANY   IDEA WHO I  AM?"    Without hesitating, the attendan...

A late night diner at a new Chinese restaurant ordered the signature meal, Chicken Surprise.   A large plate of hot rice was put in front of him together with a wicker basket with a hinged lid.   Moments later the hinge lid lifted enough to show a pair of glinting eyes.   After a minute or two this was repeated.   And then a third time a few moments later. The diner, now in some alarm, called the waiter back to his table.   "There's something looking at me in the basket," said the diner. "What did you order?" asked the waiter. "Chicken surprise." "Oh I am so sorry, there's been a mix up. That's not the Chicken Surprise... that's the Peeking Duck."

A troop leaders from a boy scout decided to teach us how to use an axe safely. Of course, this was after we were shown how to sharpen an axe to a razor edge. A dull blade is the most dangerous weapon. The safety demonstration was going well until he decided to show us how dangerous it would be to strike a log with a glancing blow. We all watched in amazement as he took a mighty swing with the axe and struck the log with a glancing blow. The axe bounced off the log and buried itself in his left kneecap. As it was summertime and he was wearing shorts, it turned out to be a very graphic demonstration. Fortunately, he missed all major arteries, but he did chop his kneecap in half and had to be rushed to the hospital for emergency surgery. He walked with a limp after that. It was the best demonstration of axe safety I ever saw.

Dear Employee,                           You are not the only one to get this email so please don't consider yourself to have been singled out. I would  however, be obliged if you would provide your response asap. It has been brought to  management's attention that some individuals throughout the company have been  using foul language during the course of normal conversation with their  co-workers. Due to complaints received from some employees who may be easily offended,  this type of language will no longer be tolerated. We do however, realize the critical importance of being able to accurately express your  feelings when communicating with co-workers. Therefore a list of 18 New and  innovative phrases have been provided so that proper exchange of ideas and  information can continue in an effective manner; 1) TRY SAYING:   I think you could use more training. ...